By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
