Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
