don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
