The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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