If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Welp...herpes.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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