Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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