what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
