There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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