I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
