Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
