there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So much rum. So many feels.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
