I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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