So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
