someone threw a dead crab at me
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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