Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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