I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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