dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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