highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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