I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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