Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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