I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
