i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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