Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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