you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
