I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
