I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
