just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
