I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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