I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
one might say we're banned from that church
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
