You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
