I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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