Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
