I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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