you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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