I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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