on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
