I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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