I just gift wrapped bread.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
