I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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