are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
