I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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