Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
