puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
