OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
