remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
