As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
His hands were made for my vagina.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
