my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
