the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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