They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
