gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
