I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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