i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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